A Friday night.

Today has been a reminder that the long game is only an upward trajectory even though everything in me and around me makes me feel like I am being pulled down. 

Here is the abstract of this season of life right now:

Today I finally submitted 2 grant applications I had started weeks ago before my toddler woke up. 

Today I did colors and shapes puzzles with my sleep-deprived, cranky toddler after she woke up from her afternoon nap 45min earlier than she usually does. 

Today I argued with 3 students about missing work and absences and grades, and griped about the time wasted adjusting grades.

Today I read Brown Bear and Hungry Caterpillar and Chicka Chicka Boom Boom for the 1000th time. 

Today I woke up at 4am worried about Ukraine and war and read news articles. 

Today I wondered about deadlines for research applications in my field of work, thinking that the academic year might just be a wash because I am barely hanging on with no daycares available in my rural area. 

Today I argued with my partner about something stupid I can't even remember what. 

Today I prepped for next week's classes after putting my sweet baby to bed and rewarded myself with a shower and a 10pm bedtime at the end of the night, stewing about feeling left out in my field of research and not being asked to participate even though I used to be one of the in-crowd kids.

I am so, so afraid of failing. And I know the most important work is the time with my toddler. 

I know there are other people sharing this boat with me. 

I am telling myself this the same way I would tell a dear friend: you can do it even if you won't be able to do it in every single way that you wish you could. And your kids will still love you. 

Commence tears at 6am